Sohn: "Papa! Warum bin ich schwarz obwohl Mama u. du weiss sind?" Papa: "Tja Sohn, das war damals eine ziemliche Orgie. Sei froh, dass du nicht bellst!"
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Peterli steht vor einem Apfelbaum mit 11 Äpfeln. Er holt sich einen runter. Wieviele Äpfel hängen noch am Baum? Lösung: Immer noch 11 ....
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Der Frauenarzt zur Nonne: "Das Resultat ist eindeutig, sie sind schwanger!" Darauf die Nonne: "Ist schon verrückt, was die Leute so alles an die Kerzen schmieren!"
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Kommt ein Mann in die Metzgerei und sagt: "Ich hätte gern 500 Gramm Leberwurst, und zwar von der fetten, groben!" Sagt die Verkäuferin: "Tut mir leid, die hat heute Berufsschule!"
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Ein Mann möchte seine Frau umbringen. Er geht zur Apotheke und verlangt Zyankali. Der Apotheker mustert ihn streng und meint: "Sie wissen aber schon, dass ich Ihnen das so ohne Weiteres nicht geben darf?" Der Mann öffnet seinen Geldbeutel, holt ein Foto seiner Gattin heraus und legt es auf die Theke Der Apotheker wirft einen Blick darauf und meint: "Entschuldigung, ich wußte nicht, daß sie ein Rezept dabei haben."
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Liegt ein Penner im Winter unter ner Brücke und friert. Da erscheint ihm eine gute Fee und sagt: "Du hast einen Wunsch frei!" Der Penner sagt schlotternd: "Ach, eigentlich wünsche ich mir nur ein warmes Plätzchen" Es blitzt, und die Fee hält dem Penner einen dampfenden Keks vor die Nase.
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Was ist der Unterschied zwischen einem Ochsenschwanz und einer Krawatte? Der Ochsenschwanz verdeckt das ganze Arschloch.
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Sagt ein Mann zu seinem Freund: "He, hast du schon mal mit meiner Frau geschlafen?" Daraufhin der Freund: "Nein! Bist du wahnsinnig?" Der Mann: "Solltest du aber mal, macht mehr Spaß als mit Deiner!"
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Kommt ein kleines Mädchen in die Zoohandlung. Sie lächelt den Zoohändler an und sagt: "Ich möchte gern ein Kaninchen." Sagt der Zoohändler: "Möchtest Du dieses kleine süsse braune mit den grossen Augen oder dieses huschelige wuschelige flauschige weisse Kaninchen?" "Ich denke, das ist meiner Python egal ..."
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BSE gibt einem schon zu denken - aber nur zu Beginn ...
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Zwei Kannibalen stehen vor einem brodelnden Kochtopf. Fragt der eine den andern: "Stimmt es eigentlich, dass Frauen mit Orangenhaut bitter schmecken?" Meint der andere kopfschüttelnd: "Du musst sie vor dem Essen natürlich erst schälen, Idiot!"
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Weil in letzter Zeit die Begegnung mit Grizzly Bären und Touristen drastisch zugenommen hat,gibt das Tourismus-Büro von Alaska folgende Warnung an Wanderer, Fischer und jeden, die in der Wildnis herumstreifen, heraus: Wir raten allen, kleine, laute Glöckchen an der Kleidung zu tragen, damit Bären nicht aufgeschreckt werden, wenn man sich ihnen nähert. Wir raten weiter eine Pfefferspraydose mit sich zu tragen, um den Bären damit abzuwehren. Vor allem sollte man immer nach Bärenaktivitäten Ausschau halten. Dazu ist es wichtig, dass man den Kot von Schwarzbären und Grizzly-Bären unterscheiden kann. Schwarzbären-Kot ist kleiner und es befinden sich viele Beeren und Eichhörnchenfell darin. Grizzly-Kot hat kleine Glöckchen darin und riecht nach Pfeffer.
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Kommt der Enkel zum Opa und sagt: "Opa, erzähl mir von Tschernobyl!" Daraufhin meint der Opa: "Laaaange, sehr lange ist es her, mein Junge..." und streichelte dem Kind zuerst den einen und dann den anderen Kopf..
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Was macht man, wenn die Schwiegermutter auf einen zutaumelt? Noch mal schießen!
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Woran erkennt man eine palästinensische Sekretärin ? Sie schafft 200 Anschläge pro Minute !
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Nach dem Sex im Bett: Frau: "Woran denkst du?" Mann: "Kennst du nicht!"
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Der Ehemann findet seine Frau mit dem Arzt im Bett. Der Arzt versucht zu erklären: "Ich wollte nur das Fieber messen!" Der Mann holt seelenruhig sein Gewehr aus dem Schrank und meint: "Jetzt ziehen Sie ihn ganz langsam raus und wenn keine Zahlen draufstehen, dann gnade Ihnen Gott!"
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Nach dem der liebe Gott Mann und Frau erschaffen hatte betrachtete er sein Werk. Zuerst fiel sein Blick auf den Mann und sagte: "Also ich muss mich selbst loben. Diese wunderbare Form des Körpers, die wohlgelungenen Proportionen, die vollendete Ästhetik - ein perfektes Werk." Danach sah er die Frau an und meinte achselzuckend: "Na gut, Du musst Dich halt schminken..."
An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators.'
Old age & treachery will triumph over youth & skill!
While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over the speed limit) I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, 'What's the hurry?'
I replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
I responded, 'I'm a rectum stretcher.'
The cop said 'What's..... a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?'
I said, 'Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide.'
The cop asked me, 'What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?'
I simply replied, 'You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge...'
The ticket -- $ 95.00. The look on his face - PRICELESS
A boy and his mum were flying on board an Airline for a trip. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The stewardess responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?' The boy admitted that this was the case.
'Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because our airline ALWAYS pulls out on time. Now you can have your mother explain that to you.'
A nun went to her Mother Superior and asked her to hear a confession.
'Mother, today I experienced the pleasures of the flesh. Father Saunders came to me and told me I had the gates to Heaven between my legs. He then told me he had the key to Heaven and put it in the gates.'
'Why that lying bastard!' the Mother Superior screamed. 'For years he has told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I've been blowing it!'
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, 'Tell me, April, who created the universe?'
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
'GOD ALMIGHTY!' shouted April and the teacher said, 'Very good' and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, 'Who is our Lord and saviour, 'But,April didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!' shouted April and the teacher said, 'Very good,' And April then fell back asleep.
Thinking that her months of trying to get thru to little April were finally paying off, the teacher decided to press her luck one more time. 'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, 'IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who's willy's thick and long. One who thinks before he speaks, When promises to call, he won't wait weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed, And when I spend his cash, wont be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who will make love to my mind, Knows just what to say, when I ask 'How big's my behind?' One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin, In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen! I pray that this man will love me no end, And never attempts to shag my best friend. And as I kneel and pray by my bed, I look at the wanker you sent me instead.
1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away (b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision (c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreds on national television.
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2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take?
(a) A ball (b) A ball and 2 coats (c) A ball 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specializing in spinal injuries.
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3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive (b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly (c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.
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4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses (b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things. (c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on you head, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.
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5. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea (b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee (c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.
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6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office (b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel (c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.
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7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass. (b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club. (c) Take him to an armory and buy him an arsenal of semi- automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.
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8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?
(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted (b) A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show (c) A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a super-glued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.
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9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?
(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt (b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again (c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue your wife's ass.
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10. There are peace talks in another part of the world. What do you do?
(a) Let them get on with it but offer your advice if needed (b) Let them get on with it and offer help to both sides (c) Ignore all parties wishes and protests and take over the talks.
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11. There are global concerns about the emissions from cars, do you:
(a) Introduce incentives to switch to cleaner cars (b) Invent a new cleaner fuel (c) Continue to use and invent dirtier cars, ignoring the global concerns about the emissions.
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12. There is a war in another part of the world, do you:
(a) Monitor to see if Human rights are being infringed and step in when necessary (b) Monitor to see if Human rights are being infringed and bring the culprits to justice (c) Invade the country flattening all buildings, fire at all allied and enemy airplanes killing people no matter which side they're on after all, a kill is a kill.
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13. Your city has been the victim of a terrorist attack. You should:
(a) Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible (b) Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible and bring them to justice (c) Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible, but continue to support and fund terrorist activities abroad.
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14. You're on holiday abroad, do you:
(a) Enjoy the local culture and food (b) Enjoy the local culture and food but look forward to getting home (c) Complain and whine that the country that you are visiting is nothing like home.
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Answers...
If you answered mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal well balanced individual. If you answered mostly (C)'s then sorry, you are an American.
Ich habe einen Witz partout nicht verstanden, habe ihn daher hier gepostet und in dem Moment, als ich auf "Antwort hinzufügen" geklickt und ihn gepostet gesehen habe, habe ich ihn kapiert.
@Yavanna: Naja, er ist nicht wirklich lustig, daher...
@Arakano: Da ich "Emanze" eher als Schimpfwort empfinde, würde ich mich nie so bezeichnen (nur ein einziges Mal habe ich es als Kompliment empfunden, da war es zwar eher als Schimpfwort gemeint, aber aus dem Munde dieser Person fand ich's gut ). Außerdem verabscheue ich inzwischen fast nichts mehr als oberflächliche verallgemeinernde Mann-Frau-Klischee-Diskussionen.
Silbermond
Thema drucken
27.08.2002 11:21
Antworten
Ich suche nach wie vor aber einen passenden Konter (in Witzform natürlich) für den letzten...
?
Nicht nur ich schriebe so etwas. 
