Sohn: "Papa! Warum bin ich schwarz, obwohl Mama und du weiß sind?" Papa: "Tja Sohn, dass war damals eine ziemliche Orgie. Sei froh, dass du nicht bellst..."
Ein Elefant trifft ein Kamel und fragt: "Warum hast Du denn die Titten auf dem Rücken?" Antwortet das Kamel: "Gewagte Frage für einen, der den Schwanz im gesicht trägt..."
Kommt eine Frau in eine Metzgerei und sagt zur Verkäuferin: "Ich hätte gern 200 Gramm Leberwurst, aber bitte von der dicken, fetten!" Darauf die Verkäuferin: "Tut mir leid, aber unsere Auszubildende hat heute Berufschule..."
Börse ist eigentlich ganz einfach! Du kaufst ein paar Hühner. Die Hühner legen Eier. Eier - Hühner - Eier - Hühner. Plötzlich besitzt du einen Hof, voll mit 10000 Hühnern. Und es kommt ein Regen, ein Riesenregen, und es ertrinken alle Hühner. Und dann sagst du: Enten hätte ich kaufen sollen! So ist es mit der Börse. Ganz einfach!
This is a singles ad which appeared in a local paper:
'SBF( single, black, female) Seeks Male companionship. Age and ethnicity unimportant. I'm a young, svelte, good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting/camping/fishing trips. I love cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.'
Call 123456 and ask for Daisy.
The phone number was that of the Humane Society, and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador retriever.
A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.
So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was running smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The Instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the woman was okay.
As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out. 'What happened?' the Instructor asked. 'All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?'
'Well,' began the blonde, 'I got cold. So I turned off the big fan.'
The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, 'You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.'
President Bush says, 'Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do.' The Saudi whispers 'My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek.' president Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, 'It's because it takes place in the future....'
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.'
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Mama needs new clothes!' Then she hollered . . . 'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!' She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know I thought YOU were watching!'
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men
In the hospital's Intensive Care ward, patients always died in the same bed on Friday mornings regardless of their age, gender, medical history or medical conditions. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had to do with the supernatural.
Lead by Senior surgeon, Dr. John, The doctors decided to go down to that ward to investigate the cause of the incidents....
Come Friday morning, everyone at the hospital ward nervously waited for the terrible phenomenon to occur again. The new unknowing patient laid there. Some doctors held wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil......... waiting....the patient was resting peacefully.
Then 8am...... 8:30am..... Just before the 'cursed' time the door to the ward swung open. In comes the blonde part-time Friday cleaner, and unplugs the life support system so that she can use the vacuum cleaner.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.'
'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'
'Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.........God!I miss him!!!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!' 'Good,' said the lawyer, 'but, why?'
'Duh! You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!'
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, 'I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die....So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, 'I am the wife of the former president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious woman in the world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president.' She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, said: 'I'm President of the United States of America, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation. And above all I'm the cleverest President in American history, so America's people won't let me die.' So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, 'I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.
The boy said, 'It's OK, there's a parachute left for you... America's cleverest President has taken my schoolbag.'
The priest of a small Irish village was very fond of the ten chickens (plus one cock rooster) he kept in a hen house behind the parish manse. One Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and as that was the time the priest suspected cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation,
'Has anyone got a cock?' All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said. 'That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?' All the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said. 'That wasn't what I meant, either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?' Half the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said. 'Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?' All the choir boys stood up.
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
10% of women had sex within the first hour of their first date
20% of men had sex in a nontraditional place
36% of women favour nudity
45% of women prefer dark men with blue eyes
46% of women experienced anal sex
70% of women prefer sex in the morning
80% of men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.
Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it.
A woman, completely fed up with her husband's computer obsession finally takes matters into her own hands.
One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor.
She pulls open the jacket and yells, 'Time for Super Sex!'
Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mail boxes wearing a robe. Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears!'
Astounded and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...That was me'
Ich nicht, da ich sie mir überhaupt nicht durchgelesen habe, da ich allgemein alles boykottiere, was in einer anderen Sprache geschrieben wurde. Immerhin leben wir in Deutschland und nicht in einem anderen Land.
Wenn es danach ginge, könnte ich mein Studium schon jetzt schmeißen. 75% der Literatur in meinem einen Seminar ist englisch, dann sind noch ein paar frz. Texte dabei und ganz wenig deutsche. Aber äh, wer erklärt mir denn mal den einen Witz? Am besten per nmail, dass ich mich nicht wieder in aller Öffentlichkeit blamiere?
Welchen? (Äh, hatte Kheldar sowas schon gefragt? Habs nur überflogen und denke nun, da war was, gucke aber nun nicht nach. Aber ich merke, das wären 4 Tasten gewesen, das waren nun mehr, also mach ich den Absatz mal schnell fertig, damit die Quote nicht noch schlechter wird. Aber ein smiley muss nun noch sein )
Silbermond
Thema drucken
09.10.2002 23:35
Antworten
... du bist albern, ist ja aber eigentlich nix neues.
:
Ach Vala..